The Dream Life
by cbs3
Summary: Max stared blankly, then tipped his chin. He cleared his throat. “If you think for a second this is what I want…well, you’re wrong.” ATU MaxMorphineJudeLucy
1. Chapter 1

Max hadn't noticed it at first. It was like a friend who kept calling. And Max thought, _Oh, he's alright; I'll let him hang out for a bit_. But then he kept coming over, again and again. And he brought friends. Big tough friends with razor clubs to scrape Max's veins and itchy clothes and runny noses. Cold sweats and bugs crawling under his skin. 

Morphine. Heaven on the brain. The devil in the flesh.

By the time he realized he was being eaten alive, he was so fucking in love that he couldn't stop.

He was lying in the white room, shivering, and thinking about how many hours until he could go get his prescription. Two and a half. Two and a half. Two ana half. That would be fun.

Jude had offered to take him to see Lucy. But he didn't see why he should go. He didn't want to make fake conversation about things he didn't care about.

He thought about going over to the closet to get another coat, because he was freezing. But it was such a pain. And his face itched, but he couldn't scratch it because he wouldn't be able to stop. And his face would get red and swollen.

He snuggled deeper into the covers. He could kind of see pictures on the wall, if he wanted to. Like little girls skipping with red balloons or blue puppies in hats.

And if he embraced the pain, held the want inside him so tight his skin shuddered, he could love that, too. Because he knew it would stop. In two and a half hours.

He fell into a daze and was awoken by a knock on the door. He pretended to be asleep, but the knocker entered anyway.

"Max?" Jude asked. His voice was soft, like a warm wash cloth.

Max sighed to signify he was awake. "I thought you went...with Lucy," Max murmured to the wall. He rolled around on the bed, so he could see Jude. His blue eyes blinked lazily. His overgrown blonde hair was spread across the pillow

Jude was leaning on the bookshelf, with his arms crossed and his jaw set. "No, I thought I'd stay and talk to you," Jude replied.

"Oh. I'm just gonna to sleep until I go to the doctor," Max sighed, cuddling into the mound of covers.

"You went this morning," Jude reminded him.

Max's eyes snapped open. "No, I didn't," he growled. "That was yesterday." His shoulders squared as he peered at Jude.

"No. It was this morning," Jude repeated. "That's why you're high as a kite right now."

"Hey, remember Mr. Kite?" Max stammered, wriggling up so that he was sitting. He pulled one of the thick blankets over his narrow shoulders. "Remember that?"

"Yeah, Max," he nodded, looking away.

Max lowered his eyebrows. "Don't be mad at me," he warned.

"I'm not mad at you," Jude shrugged jerkily. His dark eyes flashed.

"Oh, come on," Max growled, biting his nails. "You're being an asshole-" Max picked up a pillow and lamely pegged it onto the floor. He froze. "You'll still take me to the doctor, though, won't you?"

"You went this morning," Jude pressed, annoyed.

"I have to go again," Max maintained. His lip twitched. "I think they must have given me the wrong dose urr something."

"You're slurring," Jude said with disgust.

Max pulled himself up in the bed and said, with all the venom his position would allow, "Fuck you."

Jude flinched. "Whatever, Max."

"_Whatever_, Jude," Max mimicked. Jude sucked in his breath, willing himself not to get angry. He tried to exit the room, but stopped himself.

He turned and looked at Max, who was starting to slump on the bed. The fury in his blue eyes was unwinding, and he looked lost and alone. "Max," Jude said. Max looked up, eyes glazing over. "You need to stop."

Max flinched. "You don't understand," he mumbled to himself, picking at a thread on the quilt.

"What?" Jude demanded.

Max looked up, quivering, as if he were surprised to find Jude there. Max shook his head. "I can't stop," he said. The words wrapped around him like a mantra.

"Yes, you can," Jude said. His dark eyes bore into Max. He swallowed.

"No. I can't," Max repeated. He spoke so stonily that he threw a tiny laugh in at the end, to lighten the mood.

"Why not?" Jude bit his bottom lip.

Max toyed with the thread, flicking it with his pointer finger. He spoke softly, with his eyes lowered. "Because I don't want to." He glanced quickly up at Jude before hiding his eyes again. His veins were starting to burn, coming to life in a way he wasn't used to anymore. After morphine, regular living was too hard to take. It hurt to be sad, and even worse to be happy.

Jude couldn't think. He'd ignored the signs for weeks; it had been so gradual. Just a slightly sick feeling, a little off-balance, as Max slowly disappeared. His cheeks hollowed and he spoke less. He rubbed his face a lot and soaked for hours in the tub. And he cuddled up against Jude on the sofa, shivering, and nodded off without finishing his cigarette. There was something almost seductive about it. The helplessness and the listless eyes. The way everything was always alright.

Until one morning, when Jude woke up to find Max dying. He was sitting in the shower, staring at the wall. There was a bottle of milk next to him, and the water pinged through the mouth and swirling with the thicker milk. And Max was mumbling to himself about bugs and how he was going to die. Jude had tried to get him to leave the shower, to go to the doctor, anything. But Max said that if he left the shower, his skin would dry out and the bugs would eat him. The bugs from the bad heroin he'd bought off his taxi driver friend. He spent six hours in the cold water before he came to his senses enough to sleep. And he swore to Jude that he would never take opiates again. But he did. Again and again. He stopped asking Jude for help when things went wrong. And some night, Jude could hear him muttering, or shivering, or crying. And there was nothing Jude could do about it.

Jude wasn't around enough. He worked at a studio now, and spent the rest of his time with Lucy at Sarah Lawrence. Sadie and Jojo were with the band; Prudence was doing a show with Rita. Everyone was moving on, doing other things. At first, Jude had been too busy to notice that Max was the only one who had stayed the same. He didn't want to go anywhere, and he didn't want to do anything. Jude got the feeling he didn't believe in things anymore. Maybe he never had. He'd always been on the run, never wanting to grow up. Never wanting anything in particular. Jude watched him on the bed. Pale, slim as a bone and beautiful. His long, mangy hair crossed over his eyes as he continued to pick at the quilt. _Pick, pick, pick_.

In that moment, Jude felt that he would do anything for. Him. He felt his heart stretch beneath his chest, clawing at his shoulders. "_I love you, Max Carrigan_," he muttered.

Max peered up, grinning impishly, so the green in his eyes flashed in the light. Then he looked back down at the quilt, and kept picking.

**I've already written the next part. It includes the rest of the gang & I will post it soon.**


	2. Chapter 2

Max fell asleep in the bathtub with his arm resting on the toilet seat. Floating naked in an embryonic pool as wands of light crossed the surface above his body. His nostrils sighed with shallow breaths and his mind spun behind his eyes, like cartwheels across the ripples made by his chest. 

Inside his head, images were colliding. Sort of beautiful ones, with Jude. Where Jude, was taking him somewhere, beyond the bridge that hung like a veil at the edge of his mind. Like his mind was round, not flat. And he was forever spinning. Spinning with Jude in a hot pool. Spinning alone in the darkness with the thoughts he carved from wet tableaus and unfinished paintings. Spinning, dreaming, and finally drowning in sighs.

He shot up out of the water. His body rigid and choking. His muscles began to seize up. Like his body was an enemy, set to strong arm him to death. His veins tightened and his mind contracted.

"_It's okay; it's okay; it's okay_," his teeth were chattering. His throat shut slowly as his chest caved. He hacked over the edge. Stumbled out of the pool, on naked, wavering legs. _Should I do more; should I do less?_ His eyes barked from the left-hand corner, where his clothes were piled, to the right, where the doorframe beamed.

He fell to the clothes and battled through his pockets, cold streams of water sliding through the cracks. He tore apart a packet and dashed the contents across the seat. "_Just this one now and we'll figure it out_." His shoulders jerked and rattled. "_Just this one now and._.." He snorted up the line. He made a face and scratched his nose. He coughed and leaned back against the wall.

He pulled the plug from the bottom of the tub and watch the water suck out. Spinning and whirling and finally coughing and belching to death. He sighed, dressing slowly, tugged the thick sweater over his frail torso. Then he walked into the sitting room.

It was empty. He burrowed into the dented space where Jude had sat that morning.

X

"Where's my brother?" Lucy asked. She tugged anxiously at the silver earring that hung from her white ear lobe. She and Jude were pressed into the corner of the red velvet booth in the underground bar. Sadie and the Po Boys were playing an impromptu show to test out new material.

"He'll be here," Jude promised, unconsciously clenching his hand around his pint glass. Prudence and Rita were already there. Rita was trundling around the stage, resetting the lights with her theatrical eye, while Prudence heckled her from her perch on the drum stand. Sadie, JoJo and the rest of the band were ensconced in the green room, enjoying complimentary booze with the venue owner. Max was missing.

Jude felt slightly ill. He'd shared a joint with the stage crew outside and he felt like the smoke was churning in his gut, instead of spreading like butter over his nerves. He'd planned on broaching the subject of Max with Lucy, figuring he'd steel himself up with weed and booze. But it only seemed to make him feel worse. And every time he looked at her, he could feel what would happen if he told her. Could see her glass eyes breaking. Maybe he would lose her again. God. He felt so selfish, all of the sudden.

"Lucy?" Jude breathed. He almost hoped she wouldn't hear him, but somehow she did. She turned her head and the sounds around them, the glasses clinking and the voices tutting, shut off and zeroed in.

"What is it?" There was a catch in her voice, like she'd been waiting for this, for some admission.

Jude sucked in his breath. "I think you brother-"

"_Max!_" Lucy suddenly exclaimed, gaping over Jude's shoulder and jumping from her seat. Jude's stomach flip-flopped as he twisted in his chair to see Max walking from the stairwell in his thick, green coat. Lucy threw her soft arms around him. "Where have you been?" she demanded, leading him toward the table. "You're never home when I come by; you never come visit me anymore."

Max grinned hollowly, dropping down beside Jude as Lucy scooted in opposite. Jude felt the bang of Max's shoulder as he collapsed beside him. He gripped Jude's knee to steady himself.

"Sorry, baby sister, I've been really busy," Max lied, glancing furtively around for a waiter. He gave up and stole Jude's pint, winking at Jude as he took a steadying gulp. He smacked his lips with satisfaction and burrowed deeper into his coat.

"I miss you," Lucy said, gazing lovingly across the table at her big brother.

Max's eyes crinkled as he smiled. "I miss you, too. You know I'd rather be with you than anywhere else in the world," he swore.

"_Max!_" Prudence shouted from the stand. She kicked the drum pedal for emphasis before leaping off the stage. Rita followed behind her, excited to greet one of her favorite people. The two girls leapt on top of him, squeezing him so tight that Jude thought he might break.

"Where have you been?" Rita demanded when she finally pulled away. Prudence remained sitting on Max's lap, brushing back his overgrown hair with her painted fingernails. "We've missed you." Prudence nodded in agreement and kissed him on the cheek.

"If it isn't Mad Max!" The table turned as Sadie sashayed towards them, swinging her bottle of _JD_. JoJo was at her side, ivory teeth grinning.

"_Sexy Sadie_," Max muttered, craning his head and kissing her on each cheek. JoJo had paused behind her. A queer look crossed his face as he eyed Max. Max glanced at him, then looked quickly away, sniffing.

"You all right, brother?" JoJo asked, stepping up to press Max's palm.

"_Yeah_," Max muttered, rubbing his nose. "I was sick, you know, allergies."

"When were you sick?" Lucy asked, voice concerned. Max turned to her, eager to avoid JoJo's penetrating stare.

"I just had a cold," he explained, lifting the glass back to his lips. Jude could feel Max's leg tense and relax as he chugged the beer.

Sadie and Rita began talking about the performance art show she and Prudence were working on in Soho. Prudence listened, quietly nodding, and continuing to knot her fingers through Max's blonde hair. JoJo climbed on stage, to help the sound crew set up the amps. Max was leaning into Prudence, grey eyes hooded. Lucy was gazing off at the stage, lips slightly parted, trapped in her own reverie.

Jude stared down at his glass, feeling a strange pull on his senses. Everything seemed peaceful for a moment. They were all together, talking, smiling. He felt like he could breathe again. He looked over at Max and watched his eyes slowly shut. The light caught his golden eyelashes. He looked at Lucy. She turned to him, pulled by the weight of his eyes on her. She lifted up the corner of her mouth to smile. Jude smiled back.

The microphone screeched and Max started, blinking with surprise. JoJo's velvety voice rumbled through the amplifier. "Miss Sadie, we're ready for you," he announced. "_Whenever you're ready_."

"I was born ready!" Sadie called back, charging toward the stage as the band kicked into gear. The drums snapped, the guitars buzzed and Sadie swung into action, wailing down the metal throat of the microphone stand.

X

Jude held on to the warm calm resting in his ribs. The band was rolling through the session, pausing to tweak things here and there amidst light-hearted banter and shouts from the audience. He snuggled into the red velvet cushions. Lucy was holding his hand. He could feel Max's leg at his other side, twitching every so often as he slept on Pru's shoulder. He squeezed Lucy hand. An amplifier shook, spewing feedback.

Jude felt Max stiffen. Max snapped awake, breathing quick, shallow breaths. The music picked up, JoJo's guitar howled, licking up a wall of sound. Jude could see Pru, leaning in to speak in Max's ear. The black curtain of her hair spilled down her shoulder. Sadie screamed down the microphone. Prudence hopped off Max's lap, and Max darted up, charging through the crowd as the drums banged into a crescendo. Jude paused, biting his lip.

"I'll be right back," he whispered in Lucy's ear. He climbed over her as the sound morphed into a barrage of feedback.

He kept his eyes trained on Max's blonde head. He was surprised to see him head up the stairs, toward the street. He followed behind him, pushing past the stragglers in the stairwell. When he hit the street, Max was already halfway to the corner.

"_Oi! Max!"_ he shouted. He jogged after him, unsure of what he planned to do once he stopped him.

Max paused, then turned slowly to face him. His cheeks were red and his eyes were bright. It was cold for early November, and the air had a bite that froze the teeth and numbed the ears. Max's short quick breaths puffed like smoke in the cold air. He didn't say anything. He looked scared.

"You- where are you going?" Jude challenged, stuffing his fists in his coat pockets. He felt angry all of the sudden. He lowered his eyebrows uncertainly.

Max shrugged, jerkily. "I don't feel well," he replied, gazing at the brick wall of the building.

"_Jesus-fucking-Christ_, Max. Are you bloody serious?" Jude demanded. "Why are you doing this?"

Max shook his head. "Don't do this, Jude," he pleaded. His blue eyes were wide and desperate. "I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry. I can't-" His hands were shaking. "Just give me some fucking dignity, man."

Jude was silent for a moment, blood thickening. "_Your goddamn sister is in there!"_ he shouted, pointing at the bar. "What do you want me to tell her?" His voice choked, strained.

Max set his jaw. "I don't care what you tell her," he intoned, narrowing his eyes.

Jude was shocked. "You - _Who the fuck are you?"_ Jude demanded, desperately. His hands reeled, striving for purchase. "Who are you? Because I swear to God, this is not the person I know."

Max stared blankly, then tipped his chin. He cleared his throat. "If you think for a second this is what_ I_ want...well, you're wrong," he shrugged. He stuffed his shaking hands into his green coat. He spun around and stalked up the street, never pausing, even when the trash can lid Jude kicked clattered out into the road.

X

Jude stormed back into the bar. He didn't know where he was going, but he needed to go somewhere, do _something_. Lucy saw him and jumped out of her seat to meet him. She recognized the look in his black eyes.

"What's the matter?" she asked. On stage, the band kept playing. Lucy pressed her gentle hands against Jude's chest, but he flinched and backed away.

He bit his lips, heart pounding. He didn't want to say anything, but he couldn't stop himself. "You brother- there's something wrong with him."

Lucy's jaw tightened defensively. "Cut him some slack, Jude. He's been through so much," she pleaded.

"_He didn't die in Vietnam!_" Jude shouted nonsensically. The bar quieted, as people who had overheard looked warily at Jude.

"_Jude-_" Lucy scolded, grabbing his arm.

"_Don't!"_ Jude ordered, yanking it away. "I'm sorry- alright? I don't get it, right? I don't understand. I get it. It's fucking..." Jude's eyes darted around. He was starting to shake. He could see Sadie watching him from the stage, worry etched in her face. "I don't know. I give up." He whirled around, and stumbled toward the stairs, cheeks burning. He couldn't take it anymore. No one seemed to care, was there something wrong with him? Was he going crazy? Was he supposed to sit and watch his best friend die? Was he already too late?


End file.
